Welcome! No, Queer Catholic is not an Oxymoron.
"Hi I'm Sofie and I'm a Queer Church Lady." she says sheeply into the squeaky microphone.
"Hi Sofie" the support group shouted enthusiastically.
If you find yourself on this blog, odds are your identifier is as confusing as mine, or you are looking for some relatable content on being a Jesus lovin' Queer. If so, then welcome. If you are looking for some nonsense about praying the Gay away.... well, go with God, friend because this will do nothing but offend you in a multitude of ways. There will be no praying to correct something that doesn't need correction today- or any other day for that matter.
It's taken a really long time to get to this point. I've been in a hetero marriage and tried desperately to believe that I could fake it. As a Catholic, my options were straight marriage or celibacy- or so I thought, turns out it's not as black and white as the head honchos in Rome would have you believe. The beginning of my faith journey mirrors the experience of most western catholic folks. I went to church as a kid with my mom, I fulfilled my sacraments of initiation (as so forced by the parental units) and then promptly ran away as fast as possible! I went to college and did as most college students do- I lost my damn mind, and then I figured out who I really was. My significant other has the perfect line for this "There is a time and place for everything and that time and place is usually College." When life got hard, I found myself back in the pews and back in the closet. I was committed! I joined every ministry I could and I courted (headstrong feminist!) and eventually married a man. Then I figured out that it wasn't him that was the problem but rather that I am wired to never really like men in that way and everything fell apart again. I had to figure out how to be a capital L Lesbian and be part of the same church community that helped me in some of my darkest times (that story will come later).
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Oh, did I give you the impression that I had an answer?! LOL, no, I still have no idea.
"And you're choosing to stay Catholic?" they all question intensely.
The short answer is, for now, yes. I've thought about it, I've dabbled in maybe joining a more inclusive church, but nothing else fits right now. At first, I was staying because I wanted there to be visibility for LGBTQ+ in the Catholic Church. "I'm here and I'm still the person who you loved, I'm just also gay!" The hope was that since they already knew me and saw all the positive work I did for the church, that they would HAVE to look at queerness in a new way. In theory, this could work- the problem is if I come out in a big way, then I will need to step down from all my ministry work.
"What is a big way?" you ask.
Its not walking around with rainbows and unicorn body paint (I asked, the priest stared blankly at me for 2 mins before he realized I was joking... sort of) What I was told was, "If you start parading your girlfriend around and create 'scandal' than you will force my hand and I will have to ask you to step down". For my non-catholic readers: to create scandal in the Roman Catholic church (I see and acknowledge your catholic-ness Anglo Catholics -insert acknowledgment head nod) means to demonstrate that you are living a life contradictory to Roman Catholic doctrine and you are demonstrating this to the faithful when you should be an example to them. As a lector/minister of communion/sacristan/CCD teacher/Youth minister assistant/altar server (told you I joined every ministry I could) I was a role model in the church and so I could not demonstrate to the rest of the congregation that I was living contradictory to church doctrine because that would mean that the Church supported my decisions and, heaven forbid. they might think that queerness is.... ok! (gasp loudly and shudder in terror).
I joined Catholic LGBT Ministries. Why yes, they do exist! Let me promote their website here! ( I take payments in the form of prayers and dinners)
I met some amazing people trying to navigate the same struggle I was. People who wanted to love their church and themselves or their children. Surprisingly, I was among the youngest there which told me that the narrative of "They are old and can't understand this or change their minds" is bullsh*t, by the way. I didn't have the support of my home parish though, and that is something I'm still struggling with.
One step that helped was the knowledge that I don't owe anyone my story- meaning, I don't need to come out to everyone individually. Slowly and surely as people have conversations about their significant others, I choose to join them and use proper unaltered pronouns. I say "she" and sometimes I get questioned with a giggle over my "silly mistake" and other times I get an extra long glance and the conversation continues. I was being extra cautious at church because I wasn't ready to give up my work there, but I'm done with that now. I'm going to do the work I am allowed to do for as long as they let me. There are already little areas where I can feel that I'm being used as a last resort during masses, but similar stuff happened when I was first divorced. Those same people who looked down their noses at me then will certainly do it now- but I'm ok with that.
So, here I am.
I tried being queer and not Catholic. Then I tried being Catholic and not queer. What I learned is that neither of those situations work. I can't ignore one identifier to confirm another. I am equally both of those things. Both those things are important and both those things define me so ready or not, I'm going to be the (a) Queer Church Lady and see where this leads.
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