Catholic Guilt: The struggle is REAL!
I often joke that I'm so Catholic I feel guilty about the air I breathe. Though I say it for the laughs, the truth of the matter is this isn't so far from the truth. I often wonder what it is about Catholic upbringing that makes us all so ashamed of our behavior. At what point in time did we feel that guilt would serve as the best motivator for making us follow Catholic doctrine?
I understand that the main reason for organized religion is to uphold a certain moral standard that coincides with the teaching of that religion. But why guilt, and why is it a problem?
It's a problem because even now, in my early 30s, I still struggle with giving myself permission to do things for myself - even for the slightest act of self-care. Somewhere along the way, I learned that selfishness was a dirty word and that self-care was a synonym for selfishness. I know I'm not alone in this feeling.
When I returned to the church, I decided I wanted to know what Love really meant. I had definitely figured out what Lust meant, but not genuine Love. I turned to scripture and here is what I found:
Ok, so that means complete selflessness. Let's go further, God is Love, Jesus is God, Jesus is Love, Jesus gave his life for ALL of us, so: True love is complete self-sacrifice. No wonder we all feel guilty about self-care!
Here is where this all falls apart: If Jesus sacrificed himself so that we may all be saved and we walk around feeling guilty about being sinners, miserable, and trying to earn our place in heaven - then what exactly did He die for? Doesn't our God want us to be happy? I know He does; and yet, here we are.
I don't specifically remember someone telling me, "Feel guilty!" and I'm sure no one ever did. When and where does this programming happen? I do remember going for spiritual direction several times as I was grappling with self-acceptance and trying to admit to myself that my queerness wasn't a decision I had made in college to be trendy. In the middle of my depression, I was told to look to others, and stop getting caught up in my own struggles - to use that energy to help others and shift the focus. This was solid advice. I say that because, even today, helping others does shift focus and often times offers a lot of perspective. However, my polarized brain is all or nothing. I went all in, ONLY helping others and lost track of myself in the process. The missing piece of my spiritual direction, at that time, was the reminder that I too should be counted among those who needed my help.
So I'm in this cycle of selfless giving and self-sacrifice for the benefit of those I love most, because I don't know how else to show love, and in the midst of all that....where was the self-love? Where were the sacrifices to love myself? Where was the giving for myself? I’ll tell you where, nowhere! I didn’t make my own list of top priorities
Now I find myself TRYING to be kind to myself and the guilt literally chokes me. I am in a loving relationship with a woman I ADORE - you know what we fight about? We fight about my inability to express my own opinion on joint decisions because I just want her to have what she wants and be happy and what I want doesn't matter to me. We argue about me acting like I don't need anything when in reality I need a whole lot, but I don't want anyone to have to use energy to do something for me. (I see the eye rolls in the back - I know these are all "Good problems" to have, but hang on- it's relevant.) The only way I have come to understand her frustration is to think about how I would feel if the roles were reversed, but even then, my guilt of asking anything of anyone traps the words in my throat.
To eliminate shame from this equation would be an injustice. The guilt is married to shame. It is this "mea culpa" attitude that should have been left behind when Vatican II was implemented.
Remember in the movie Dogma: Buddy Christ?
Ok, Ok, not quite, but one of the ideas was to close the gap between clergy and the laity (also known as the rest of us)- to make the church more about the people, to remove this chain of command that required regular folks to go through clergy to access our God. We are all equal children of God and so worthy enough to have direct access. This, in theory, should have eliminated the self-depreciation and feeling of "I'm too much of a sinner. I'm not worthy of His love." Did I say "in theory"? In theory.
Vatican II, however, is only 40-50 years out. That means my parents were already at Communion or Confirmation age when the rules changed and we were allowed to be easier on ourselves. The programming had already happened for them; they taught me based on what they knew, and so the cycle continued.
The good news is that I was born post-Vatican II and so my children (should I have any) or at least my friends’ children will be raised in a church that is much more loving and supportive of self-kindness; the kind of church that has moved away from the idea of trying to earn a place in Heaven and instead, one that understands that there is no earning it - it has been given to those who choose to accept the gift. Give this another generation and I'm sure the association between Catholicism and reflexive guilt will begin to fade from its current state.
Jesus already paid the price for all the wrong any of us will ever do. There is no work required here. One of my favorite pieces of scripture is when Jesus first gets baptized and the skies open up and God says:
What's so significant here is not only that God identifies Jesus as His son, but that Jesus hadn't done anything yet. He had not started His ministry yet! All He had done was just be Himself. He loved God, as we are all called to do, but that’s it. No works required to earn God's love. Now, granted, I'm not saying go out and do evil in the world because there are no consequences! No, of course not, we are called to love each other as God loves us- this is where the striving to do good comes in. What is important to remember is that we are not doing good to earn a place in Heaven or earn God's love. That part is done. What we should aim to do is be kind as Jesus was kind, be loving as God is loving, and do good as the Spirit does good.
*St. Ignatius Revised Standard Version (My total Fav!! strong STRONG recommendation if you are a language nerd like me and want the truest to form translation)
I understand that the main reason for organized religion is to uphold a certain moral standard that coincides with the teaching of that religion. But why guilt, and why is it a problem?
It's a problem because even now, in my early 30s, I still struggle with giving myself permission to do things for myself - even for the slightest act of self-care. Somewhere along the way, I learned that selfishness was a dirty word and that self-care was a synonym for selfishness. I know I'm not alone in this feeling.
When I returned to the church, I decided I wanted to know what Love really meant. I had definitely figured out what Lust meant, but not genuine Love. I turned to scripture and here is what I found:
"Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
- John 15:13*
Ok, so that means complete selflessness. Let's go further, God is Love, Jesus is God, Jesus is Love, Jesus gave his life for ALL of us, so: True love is complete self-sacrifice. No wonder we all feel guilty about self-care!
Here is where this all falls apart: If Jesus sacrificed himself so that we may all be saved and we walk around feeling guilty about being sinners, miserable, and trying to earn our place in heaven - then what exactly did He die for? Doesn't our God want us to be happy? I know He does; and yet, here we are.
I don't specifically remember someone telling me, "Feel guilty!" and I'm sure no one ever did. When and where does this programming happen? I do remember going for spiritual direction several times as I was grappling with self-acceptance and trying to admit to myself that my queerness wasn't a decision I had made in college to be trendy. In the middle of my depression, I was told to look to others, and stop getting caught up in my own struggles - to use that energy to help others and shift the focus. This was solid advice. I say that because, even today, helping others does shift focus and often times offers a lot of perspective. However, my polarized brain is all or nothing. I went all in, ONLY helping others and lost track of myself in the process. The missing piece of my spiritual direction, at that time, was the reminder that I too should be counted among those who needed my help.
So I'm in this cycle of selfless giving and self-sacrifice for the benefit of those I love most, because I don't know how else to show love, and in the midst of all that....where was the self-love? Where were the sacrifices to love myself? Where was the giving for myself? I’ll tell you where, nowhere! I didn’t make my own list of top priorities
Now I find myself TRYING to be kind to myself and the guilt literally chokes me. I am in a loving relationship with a woman I ADORE - you know what we fight about? We fight about my inability to express my own opinion on joint decisions because I just want her to have what she wants and be happy and what I want doesn't matter to me. We argue about me acting like I don't need anything when in reality I need a whole lot, but I don't want anyone to have to use energy to do something for me. (I see the eye rolls in the back - I know these are all "Good problems" to have, but hang on- it's relevant.) The only way I have come to understand her frustration is to think about how I would feel if the roles were reversed, but even then, my guilt of asking anything of anyone traps the words in my throat.
To eliminate shame from this equation would be an injustice. The guilt is married to shame. It is this "mea culpa" attitude that should have been left behind when Vatican II was implemented.
"What's Vatican II?" inquires the befuddled crowd.
Remember in the movie Dogma: Buddy Christ?
Ok, Ok, not quite, but one of the ideas was to close the gap between clergy and the laity (also known as the rest of us)- to make the church more about the people, to remove this chain of command that required regular folks to go through clergy to access our God. We are all equal children of God and so worthy enough to have direct access. This, in theory, should have eliminated the self-depreciation and feeling of "I'm too much of a sinner. I'm not worthy of His love." Did I say "in theory"? In theory.
Vatican II, however, is only 40-50 years out. That means my parents were already at Communion or Confirmation age when the rules changed and we were allowed to be easier on ourselves. The programming had already happened for them; they taught me based on what they knew, and so the cycle continued.
The good news is that I was born post-Vatican II and so my children (should I have any) or at least my friends’ children will be raised in a church that is much more loving and supportive of self-kindness; the kind of church that has moved away from the idea of trying to earn a place in Heaven and instead, one that understands that there is no earning it - it has been given to those who choose to accept the gift. Give this another generation and I'm sure the association between Catholicism and reflexive guilt will begin to fade from its current state.
Jesus already paid the price for all the wrong any of us will ever do. There is no work required here. One of my favorite pieces of scripture is when Jesus first gets baptized and the skies open up and God says:
"This is my beloved Son with whom I am well pleased."
- Matthew 3:17*
What's so significant here is not only that God identifies Jesus as His son, but that Jesus hadn't done anything yet. He had not started His ministry yet! All He had done was just be Himself. He loved God, as we are all called to do, but that’s it. No works required to earn God's love. Now, granted, I'm not saying go out and do evil in the world because there are no consequences! No, of course not, we are called to love each other as God loves us- this is where the striving to do good comes in. What is important to remember is that we are not doing good to earn a place in Heaven or earn God's love. That part is done. What we should aim to do is be kind as Jesus was kind, be loving as God is loving, and do good as the Spirit does good.
Jesus, help us to see that the ultimate price has already been paid. That we, even in our feelings of unworthiness, have already been granted salvation - for You made it so in the greatest act of love to ever be shown. Help us to remember that we have been given the gift of your love, and so, we should strive to love all that you love - including ourselves.
Amen
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