"Just sign it Anyway": Catholic Code of Ethics
I found myself in a very interesting and complicated position recently. As I've mentioned before I am involved in a lot of ministries at my parish. One of those ministries is Religious Education, most commonly known as CCD.
Well, this week marked my last CCD class. I have decided after 8 years and a ridiculous amount of deliberation, to not teach next year. This was a very difficult decision. CCD is what started my ministry work and it has been a very large part of my Catholic identity for a long time. At one point in time, I was running most, if not all of the program. The standard curriculums for the confirmation programs were co-created by me and a fellow teacher and in essence, the confirmation program, as it stands, is partially my baby. To walk away required a lot of strength and courage but the truth of the matter is, I couldn't lie anymore.
The interesting position I found myself in, and the final confirmation piece that it really was time to give up CCD was as follows: Our pastor is currently being reviewed for not keeping all the paperwork up to date (there are a lot of volunteers- it happens) so he came up to me and asked that I fill out the volunteer app, consent to the background check, and sign "The Code of Ethics."
✅Volunteer app
✅Background Check
⬜Code of Ethics, (dilemma)
It would seem that the Code of Ethics should be the easiest of the forms but this year is the first time that I would need to sign that form knowing that I had no intention on adhering to all of the stipulations. You see, I am not living my life according to the teachings of the Catholic Church. In years past, I was completely closeted and so it was fine. I was gay but not showing or "acting gay", if you will. This year, that has not been the case.
I'm at a point (finally) where I no longer want to hide or feel the need to hide. I don't agree with the Catholic teachings on queerness and I think they have to be revisited. This was also a major factor in my leaving CCD. I don't ever want to look at a kid and have to explain to them what the CCC (Catechism of the Catholic Church - basically the rule book) says about homosexuality. For years now I have taught what it says (if and only if they ask) but I focus most of the conversation on the other half of the teaching that very seldom gets attention:
The important part here is not only that the CCC calls Catholics to accept LGBT folks and respect and love them but acknowledges that they EXIST as an identity. This is what I have tried to focus on when students ask me about the church's teaching. Where my argument falls apart is if they happen to actually go home and look it up and they quickly realize that the verse before it states that homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered and contradictory to God's natural plan (CCC 2357) and that Gay folks are called to celibacy in the verse after (CCC 2359). This hurts to write and hurts further to try and rationalize to a 12-year old who's just hit puberty and has started to identify their attraction.
Gather around, time for a story:
My first year of teaching - back when I was convinced I was straight and needed to follow all the black and white prescribed in the CCC - a student asked me for the first time about the teachings of the church on gay issues. I pulled out the CCC and read right from it. I tried to cover myself by using language like, "The church teaching is..." but in the end, it didn't matter - all she heard, and all that my class heard was that the church said homosexuality was a disorder (which, by the way, is not what I read - I read that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered" - not any better.) I realized shortly after that 12-year-olds didn't understand, nor could they understand the difference between a disorder and something being disordered - either way it’s terrible language but one is worse than the other. One says they are a mistake the other says something they do is a mistake. (In case I haven't been clear enough - I don’t agree with either of those statements.)
After her Confirmation, I never saw her in church again. This was a student who was visibly queer - meaning she wasn't passing for straight for much longer. I came to learn there were quite a few queer students in that cohort, and to this day I still feel like I failed them: I was the person. I was THAT person who made them feel as though the church would never accept them.
I swore I would never address that question with direct source material again, but the job is to teach Catholic doctrine to the youth. I have been fortunate enough to only have had to touch on this subject a couple of times during my teaching stint, but even once, as obvious from above, was too much. The hypocrisy needs to end. I’m not proud of what I did, and I don't know if I could live with myself now if I had to do it again.
So here I am in my classroom, looking over this form and trying to decide what to do. Do I sign it? Do I cross out that statement and sign it? Do I not sign it?
Where to even go with that statement? In the end, I signed it - because it was retroactive to the teaching year that was about to end. But I knew at that moment that I wasn't coming back. I still have a tickle in my throat - an itch I can't scratch.
Does he disagree with the limitations set forth? Is he turning a blind eye? Is he so desperate for people he'll take anyone? And once someone else more ideal or compliant becomes available, will this be a convenient means of asking me to leave?
I know everyone that works for the church is required to sign some version of the same form. This is what is cited when queer folks get fired from Catholic schools and the like. I'd love to tell you those numbers are decreasing but they aren't. From what I can tell, based on the newsletters and such that are sent to me daily - the number has increased since the legalization of same-sex marriage.* It is my belief that this is happening because marriage is a very public statement of a permanent couple relationship. There is no denying or being closeted if you've decided to legally marry someone.
This brings me right back to - "it's ok to be gay, just don't act gay." In discussions of this with my partner, she often says "we deserve more than the scraps from the altar table." This means that it's just not enough to be accepted with conditions. I should mention that often times I compare us to Malcolm X and MLK when it comes to fighting the Church for equal rights. She's not violent or anything (Hi Honey, Love you lots! Please don't make me sleep on the couch!) but I can understand her frustration. It’s been such a long fight for even the slightest give from the Church. I don't disagree - but Jesus meets people where they are. If we fail to meet people where they are, if we fall short of that, then I don't believe our efforts will ever be fruitful (Facepalm*, she's gonna make me sleep on the couch.)
Where to go from here? My dilemma with this is over. I won't be signing any more Code of Ethics forms but what about all the LGBT folks that must sign it as part of their employment? I hear, "Well, don’t work for the church if you don’t want to follow its rules." I understand that in theory; but this isn’t a choice. It’s not as simple as choosing to not be gay or act gay. Take it from someone who spent the first half of their life trying really hard to do just that - it will eat away at you until you don't recognize yourself anymore. I’m in my thirties going through a whole new self-discovery. I still get heat from some folks who don’t understand why I have to be so loud about it now, why it's part of so many conversations. These are people that would rather I not ruffle feathers. There are folks that say things like: "Be who you are, but why does everyone need to know?" People who say that they are just concerned for my safety, that drawing attention to myself can get me hurt.
I'm not angry with these folks. They are loving me to the best of their ability. There is real concern and fear in their voice that something bad may happen to me because the truth is, our currently political government has given hatred the platform to be as mean and loud about their hate as they want to be. Homophobes are real - and statements like "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" are concepts of the past. “Make America Great Again” really means “Make America Heterosexual, Cis-Gendered, Male Powered, and White Again.”
Here is where I am with that:
It will do no good for anyone to stay hidden. I have been called to stand witness to the Good News - which is that we are all saved through the blood of Christ. Right?! Isn't that the whole point of all of this? If the Lord has made me, in His image, no less, then I was created perfectly because God does not create with mistakes or errors: All that He creates is good! (Genesis 1, anyone?) He did this on purpose! The struggles He has created, the pain I have overcome, it all serves that I may sit at this keyboard and lay witness to all who NEED to hear this today. Amen?!
We can't keep hiding and expect change. If gay folks continue to hide in the pews, then Christians are never going to have to deal with us because these erroneous ideas - that Gay Catholics and Christians don't exist, that it’s a choice, that Gay Catholics and Christians can “overcome temptation" - will continue to be our "business as usual.” If conservative Catholics think that all queer folks are just swimming in sin and don't care about God, that they don't come to church, that they don't have any religion or faith, but I stand as a witness, then their preconceived notion will be challenged. What they have come to believe will not match the person they see right in front of them.
So much of this struggle resembles "Don't ask, Don't tell." If we keep being invisible then the majority of folks are going to believe we don't exist. They will think queerness is a worldly problem that does not need to be acknowledged by the Church. This generation is said to be the queerest generation yet... I want to amend that statement. I think this generation is the most visibly queer generation yet. I think queer numbers probably haven't changed but the people who have decided they won't hide anymore has gone way up. It’s already starting to work. Church leaders like the Pope Francis, like the Cardinal in NJ, Cardinal Tobin, have addressed LGBT folks as an identity, not just a group of people suffering from a sin they need to overcome. This is because of our increased visibility.
"Well why do you have to be the one?" I've been asked this by a few people in my life, (the turn-down-your-light-ers). I am not the one - I am one of the ones. If everyone sat around and just said "Someone else will do it," nothing would ever change.
"One person isn't going to make a difference," say the light-dimmers. Martin Luther King Jr. was just one person. Susan B. Anthony was just one person. Cesar Chavez was only one person. They didn't do it alone, let's be clear, and I'm not saying I'm the start of a revolution - I'm not, but don't tell me one person doesn't make a difference or that its someone else's problem. If you belong to a community or a marginalized minority then it's your problem, too.
I started this post because I had conflict in my heart and I've ended it with a call to arms of sorts. I don’t have any answers. Here's what I can tell you, I'm never signing a Catholic Code of Ethics again until the Catholic Ethics is accepting and inclusive of all people.
* List of employment disputes 2007-2019: https://www.newwaysministry.org/issues/employment/employment-disputes/
Well, this week marked my last CCD class. I have decided after 8 years and a ridiculous amount of deliberation, to not teach next year. This was a very difficult decision. CCD is what started my ministry work and it has been a very large part of my Catholic identity for a long time. At one point in time, I was running most, if not all of the program. The standard curriculums for the confirmation programs were co-created by me and a fellow teacher and in essence, the confirmation program, as it stands, is partially my baby. To walk away required a lot of strength and courage but the truth of the matter is, I couldn't lie anymore.
The interesting position I found myself in, and the final confirmation piece that it really was time to give up CCD was as follows: Our pastor is currently being reviewed for not keeping all the paperwork up to date (there are a lot of volunteers- it happens) so he came up to me and asked that I fill out the volunteer app, consent to the background check, and sign "The Code of Ethics."
✅Volunteer app
✅Background Check
⬜Code of Ethics, (dilemma)
It would seem that the Code of Ethics should be the easiest of the forms but this year is the first time that I would need to sign that form knowing that I had no intention on adhering to all of the stipulations. You see, I am not living my life according to the teachings of the Catholic Church. In years past, I was completely closeted and so it was fine. I was gay but not showing or "acting gay", if you will. This year, that has not been the case.
"...They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided..."
- Catechism of the Catholic Church: 2358
The important part here is not only that the CCC calls Catholics to accept LGBT folks and respect and love them but acknowledges that they EXIST as an identity. This is what I have tried to focus on when students ask me about the church's teaching. Where my argument falls apart is if they happen to actually go home and look it up and they quickly realize that the verse before it states that homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered and contradictory to God's natural plan (CCC 2357) and that Gay folks are called to celibacy in the verse after (CCC 2359). This hurts to write and hurts further to try and rationalize to a 12-year old who's just hit puberty and has started to identify their attraction.
Gather around, time for a story:
My first year of teaching - back when I was convinced I was straight and needed to follow all the black and white prescribed in the CCC - a student asked me for the first time about the teachings of the church on gay issues. I pulled out the CCC and read right from it. I tried to cover myself by using language like, "The church teaching is..." but in the end, it didn't matter - all she heard, and all that my class heard was that the church said homosexuality was a disorder (which, by the way, is not what I read - I read that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered" - not any better.) I realized shortly after that 12-year-olds didn't understand, nor could they understand the difference between a disorder and something being disordered - either way it’s terrible language but one is worse than the other. One says they are a mistake the other says something they do is a mistake. (In case I haven't been clear enough - I don’t agree with either of those statements.)
After her Confirmation, I never saw her in church again. This was a student who was visibly queer - meaning she wasn't passing for straight for much longer. I came to learn there were quite a few queer students in that cohort, and to this day I still feel like I failed them: I was the person. I was THAT person who made them feel as though the church would never accept them.
I swore I would never address that question with direct source material again, but the job is to teach Catholic doctrine to the youth. I have been fortunate enough to only have had to touch on this subject a couple of times during my teaching stint, but even once, as obvious from above, was too much. The hypocrisy needs to end. I’m not proud of what I did, and I don't know if I could live with myself now if I had to do it again.
So here I am in my classroom, looking over this form and trying to decide what to do. Do I sign it? Do I cross out that statement and sign it? Do I not sign it?
I decided to go over and discuss this with him, and the response was this:
"Just sign it anyway."
I started thinking about what the statement actually meant; how many people are turned away because of it, or how many people aren't actually paying any attention to it. I started to think it's just a punitive measure in case someone wants to get rid of you - an excuse to push someone out of a job whenever convenient. I was told to sign this form even though my pastor is aware that 1. I'm divorced and my annulment hasn't been filed yet 2. I'm openly gay, 3. I have a partner of the same gender.
“Just sign it anyway."
Does he disagree with the limitations set forth? Is he turning a blind eye? Is he so desperate for people he'll take anyone? And once someone else more ideal or compliant becomes available, will this be a convenient means of asking me to leave?
I know everyone that works for the church is required to sign some version of the same form. This is what is cited when queer folks get fired from Catholic schools and the like. I'd love to tell you those numbers are decreasing but they aren't. From what I can tell, based on the newsletters and such that are sent to me daily - the number has increased since the legalization of same-sex marriage.* It is my belief that this is happening because marriage is a very public statement of a permanent couple relationship. There is no denying or being closeted if you've decided to legally marry someone.
This brings me right back to - "it's ok to be gay, just don't act gay." In discussions of this with my partner, she often says "we deserve more than the scraps from the altar table." This means that it's just not enough to be accepted with conditions. I should mention that often times I compare us to Malcolm X and MLK when it comes to fighting the Church for equal rights. She's not violent or anything (Hi Honey, Love you lots! Please don't make me sleep on the couch!) but I can understand her frustration. It’s been such a long fight for even the slightest give from the Church. I don't disagree - but Jesus meets people where they are. If we fail to meet people where they are, if we fall short of that, then I don't believe our efforts will ever be fruitful (Facepalm*, she's gonna make me sleep on the couch.)
Where to go from here? My dilemma with this is over. I won't be signing any more Code of Ethics forms but what about all the LGBT folks that must sign it as part of their employment? I hear, "Well, don’t work for the church if you don’t want to follow its rules." I understand that in theory; but this isn’t a choice. It’s not as simple as choosing to not be gay or act gay. Take it from someone who spent the first half of their life trying really hard to do just that - it will eat away at you until you don't recognize yourself anymore. I’m in my thirties going through a whole new self-discovery. I still get heat from some folks who don’t understand why I have to be so loud about it now, why it's part of so many conversations. These are people that would rather I not ruffle feathers. There are folks that say things like: "Be who you are, but why does everyone need to know?" People who say that they are just concerned for my safety, that drawing attention to myself can get me hurt.
I'm not angry with these folks. They are loving me to the best of their ability. There is real concern and fear in their voice that something bad may happen to me because the truth is, our currently political government has given hatred the platform to be as mean and loud about their hate as they want to be. Homophobes are real - and statements like "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" are concepts of the past. “Make America Great Again” really means “Make America Heterosexual, Cis-Gendered, Male Powered, and White Again.”
Here is where I am with that:
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven."
-Matthew 5:15
It will do no good for anyone to stay hidden. I have been called to stand witness to the Good News - which is that we are all saved through the blood of Christ. Right?! Isn't that the whole point of all of this? If the Lord has made me, in His image, no less, then I was created perfectly because God does not create with mistakes or errors: All that He creates is good! (Genesis 1, anyone?) He did this on purpose! The struggles He has created, the pain I have overcome, it all serves that I may sit at this keyboard and lay witness to all who NEED to hear this today. Amen?!
(Man! isn't she GREAT!)
We can't keep hiding and expect change. If gay folks continue to hide in the pews, then Christians are never going to have to deal with us because these erroneous ideas - that Gay Catholics and Christians don't exist, that it’s a choice, that Gay Catholics and Christians can “overcome temptation" - will continue to be our "business as usual.” If conservative Catholics think that all queer folks are just swimming in sin and don't care about God, that they don't come to church, that they don't have any religion or faith, but I stand as a witness, then their preconceived notion will be challenged. What they have come to believe will not match the person they see right in front of them.
So much of this struggle resembles "Don't ask, Don't tell." If we keep being invisible then the majority of folks are going to believe we don't exist. They will think queerness is a worldly problem that does not need to be acknowledged by the Church. This generation is said to be the queerest generation yet... I want to amend that statement. I think this generation is the most visibly queer generation yet. I think queer numbers probably haven't changed but the people who have decided they won't hide anymore has gone way up. It’s already starting to work. Church leaders like the Pope Francis, like the Cardinal in NJ, Cardinal Tobin, have addressed LGBT folks as an identity, not just a group of people suffering from a sin they need to overcome. This is because of our increased visibility.
"Well why do you have to be the one?" I've been asked this by a few people in my life, (the turn-down-your-light-ers). I am not the one - I am one of the ones. If everyone sat around and just said "Someone else will do it," nothing would ever change.
"One person isn't going to make a difference," say the light-dimmers. Martin Luther King Jr. was just one person. Susan B. Anthony was just one person. Cesar Chavez was only one person. They didn't do it alone, let's be clear, and I'm not saying I'm the start of a revolution - I'm not, but don't tell me one person doesn't make a difference or that its someone else's problem. If you belong to a community or a marginalized minority then it's your problem, too.
I started this post because I had conflict in my heart and I've ended it with a call to arms of sorts. I don’t have any answers. Here's what I can tell you, I'm never signing a Catholic Code of Ethics again until the Catholic Ethics is accepting and inclusive of all people.
Heavenly Father, I pray you send your Spirit down upon us that She may give us the strength and courage to let our light shine bright. Help us to be witnesses to your great love and creation so that our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will come to understand that we too are your children and we too were made perfectly by you just as we are.
Amen
* List of employment disputes 2007-2019: https://www.newwaysministry.org/issues/employment/employment-disputes/
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