Where do I Fit in a Religion Designed for Men?
Isn't that one hell of a question?
Truth be told, I have always felt like I was overstepping my bounds in all of my ministry life. I always felt like I was not supposed to do this or not supposed to do that. The feeling of unworthiness was real! I've had a lot of men (specifically white, cisgender, heterosexual men) tell me that I’m blaming my insecurities on something that is not real. "No one said you couldn't do this" or "Stop being so PC and sensitive." Does someone need to physically say "you are not welcomed" for someone to feel unwelcomed? I'm going to venture to say, that everyone at some point in time has felt unwelcomed even though no one told them they weren't allowed to occupy that space.
As a "straight" woman, I always felt like a second class citizen. I would do all the ministry work I wanted but there would always be a glass ceiling I could never break. My "no" to someone's request will always be followed by, "Where is Father? Let me talk to him." I never saw that happen with my male counterparts, though. The church can have as many female "Doctors of the Church" as it wants, the truth of the matter is - women will never be respected as authority figures in the church because we will never be anything more than Lay people. Even the nuns and sisters of the church are only seen as "special laity" Yes, brothers are also seen as laity but they have the option to become clergy - sisters do not.
In the midst of all this- how can it make sense to anyone that women would feel as welcomed or valued by the very church we serve? I feel like this makes me sound power hungry; it's not power hunger, it’s the desire to belong and be valued. At my peak, I was spending all of my free time in church. It was in meetings almost daily. I attended every mass on Saturday evening and all of them on Sunday. I was the only one who knew where everything was, I brought the linens home to properly wash. (Yes, there are very specific guidelines - you can't just throw them in the washer and dryer.) I brought communion to the sick and was accountable for every child in our parish during Sunday and Monday night classes. I was on the Parish Council, the Confirmation Team, the Youth Ministry Team, the Youth Lector Mentor, Altar Server Trainer, and so on. I think the only thing I never belonged to was the choir. Then, overnight, we got a new pastor who felt the need to remind me of my place. I had keys taken from me, I had responsibilities stripped away. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but apparently, I must have been doing something wrong. I am by no means a combative person. I was also raised to never question authority. That was hand-heavily punished in my house. I slowly started to creep away. I've done less and less and now am to a point where I’d rather go to a church where no one knows me and I can just be laity in the pews - or as I call them "pew-ers."
I felt hurt more than anything. After speaking with a plethora of people what I was told over and over again is that I was doing too much and he didn't want me to burn out - which I somewhat believe because I was getting to the point of exhaustion. I wanted to do other things outside of the church and just couldn't because I didn't have the time. However, a conversation? An email? Something?
I got nothing. I got no explanation until the next altar server training where something he said made me realize what was happening.
In recruiting altar servers, he made sure that the boys felt valued and important, while the girls were acknowledged but not given any extra attention at all. Before you make assumptions about the sex scandals of the church - it wasn't that. When I questioned his special treatment, he told me that he was using the Alter Server ministry as a method of developing vocation. Meaning, he wanted to develop a vocation in boys but there couldn't possibly be any vocation for girls and if there was, it didn't require cultivating and nurturing. My inner feminist raged!
This wasn't the first time I was hearing this nonsense. I was at a first communion retreat a few years prior; The priest set out the monstrance with Jesus in it for adoration and after Jesus has been safely and reverently returned to the tabernacle, he allowed the boys to hold it. The little first communion female candidates, however, were told they would never be allowed to hold a monstrance (which, ok, with Jesus in the monstrance - that is correct. But guess who used to set it all up for him before adoration began?! I held a monstrance plenty of times, so don't give me that bologna.)
The worst part of all of it was that these 6-7-year-olds weren't even aware that there were such gender lines in the church. Now these young girls are essentially being directly told that they aren't as important as boys. I was much closer to this priest and able to speak with him more openly and frankly - he was, after all, my confessor - and after a long and hard-fought debate, the best concession I could get from him was to at least have the girls of the following year’s retreat leave the sanctuary before he did this activity with the boys. Of course, the responsibility then fell on me to teach and inspire them for female vocation (sister or nun of the church). It by no means fixed the problem, but at least those little girls could hold on to their innocence and naivety for a little while longer.
Did I mention this still enraged me and it’s still completely unacceptable?! They are little girls being taught the patriarchy before they even understand what the patriarchy is!
I often wonder how all this came to pass. Jesus had women in his company through his whole ministry. The above is a biblical reference that women funded him and the apostles on their journeys. As I've mentioned before, Mary of Magdala, having a surname, was probably a very wealthy woman who was able to assist with essentials. The women were so important to Jesus that they appear as part of the stations of the cross. Veronica wipes the face of Jesus, Jesus meets his mother along his Journey, and Jesus comforts the weeping women. That's a quarter of the stations!
At what point did the tables turn and suddenly we were not allowed in the boy's club? Turns out the answer is: during the middle ages. During the middle ages, the Church pretty much took over politically as well as socially. They interpreted sex and lust to be the cause of “the Fall” and since Eve ate from the forbidden fruit - it is all women’s fault.* Here we are at least 1000 years later with so many different interpretations of the Great Fall, and women are still subordinate and the patriarchy still rules the roost.
I had a conversation with the director of Vocations for my diocese and he told me that when he took up the office there wasn't a single woman on the board that votes for the ordination of the men in formation. Since Vatican II that board is required to have laity on it - so there were unordained men, but no women. Luckily, he is a fair man and has added two women to the board, but for how long has it been just men?! As he stated, "where was the perspective of a “mother” or ‘caregiver’ in this council?" This of course is a council of 10-12 people and only two are women - but at least we have a seat at the table.
At the beginning of the church, there were female deacons. Their purpose was just to minister to the women followers of the church. Now, because women being alone with ordained men during spiritual direction has been destigmatized, there was no longer a need and the only form of female ordination was taken away. The good news is that Pope Francis has been vocal about discussing the need for female deacons with the hope of returning that practice. (#totallymypope)
The struggle continues. I love my God, I love my church but that opened door is looking more and more closed every day. What do I do? Do I fight the good fight? Is there even a point?
There is always a point right? If no one fought the fights then nothing would ever change.
So where is my place?
I don't have an answer.
* https://pdxscholar.library.pdx.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1057&context=younghistorians
As a "straight" woman, I always felt like a second class citizen. I would do all the ministry work I wanted but there would always be a glass ceiling I could never break. My "no" to someone's request will always be followed by, "Where is Father? Let me talk to him." I never saw that happen with my male counterparts, though. The church can have as many female "Doctors of the Church" as it wants, the truth of the matter is - women will never be respected as authority figures in the church because we will never be anything more than Lay people. Even the nuns and sisters of the church are only seen as "special laity" Yes, brothers are also seen as laity but they have the option to become clergy - sisters do not.
In the midst of all this- how can it make sense to anyone that women would feel as welcomed or valued by the very church we serve? I feel like this makes me sound power hungry; it's not power hunger, it’s the desire to belong and be valued. At my peak, I was spending all of my free time in church. It was in meetings almost daily. I attended every mass on Saturday evening and all of them on Sunday. I was the only one who knew where everything was, I brought the linens home to properly wash. (Yes, there are very specific guidelines - you can't just throw them in the washer and dryer.) I brought communion to the sick and was accountable for every child in our parish during Sunday and Monday night classes. I was on the Parish Council, the Confirmation Team, the Youth Ministry Team, the Youth Lector Mentor, Altar Server Trainer, and so on. I think the only thing I never belonged to was the choir. Then, overnight, we got a new pastor who felt the need to remind me of my place. I had keys taken from me, I had responsibilities stripped away. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but apparently, I must have been doing something wrong. I am by no means a combative person. I was also raised to never question authority. That was hand-heavily punished in my house. I slowly started to creep away. I've done less and less and now am to a point where I’d rather go to a church where no one knows me and I can just be laity in the pews - or as I call them "pew-ers."
I felt hurt more than anything. After speaking with a plethora of people what I was told over and over again is that I was doing too much and he didn't want me to burn out - which I somewhat believe because I was getting to the point of exhaustion. I wanted to do other things outside of the church and just couldn't because I didn't have the time. However, a conversation? An email? Something?
I got nothing. I got no explanation until the next altar server training where something he said made me realize what was happening.
In recruiting altar servers, he made sure that the boys felt valued and important, while the girls were acknowledged but not given any extra attention at all. Before you make assumptions about the sex scandals of the church - it wasn't that. When I questioned his special treatment, he told me that he was using the Alter Server ministry as a method of developing vocation. Meaning, he wanted to develop a vocation in boys but there couldn't possibly be any vocation for girls and if there was, it didn't require cultivating and nurturing. My inner feminist raged!
This wasn't the first time I was hearing this nonsense. I was at a first communion retreat a few years prior; The priest set out the monstrance with Jesus in it for adoration and after Jesus has been safely and reverently returned to the tabernacle, he allowed the boys to hold it. The little first communion female candidates, however, were told they would never be allowed to hold a monstrance (which, ok, with Jesus in the monstrance - that is correct. But guess who used to set it all up for him before adoration began?! I held a monstrance plenty of times, so don't give me that bologna.)
The worst part of all of it was that these 6-7-year-olds weren't even aware that there were such gender lines in the church. Now these young girls are essentially being directly told that they aren't as important as boys. I was much closer to this priest and able to speak with him more openly and frankly - he was, after all, my confessor - and after a long and hard-fought debate, the best concession I could get from him was to at least have the girls of the following year’s retreat leave the sanctuary before he did this activity with the boys. Of course, the responsibility then fell on me to teach and inspire them for female vocation (sister or nun of the church). It by no means fixed the problem, but at least those little girls could hold on to their innocence and naivety for a little while longer.
Did I mention this still enraged me and it’s still completely unacceptable?! They are little girls being taught the patriarchy before they even understand what the patriarchy is!
Soon afterward he went on through cities and villages, proclaiming and bringing the good news of the kingdom of God. And the twelve were with him, and also some women who had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities: Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out, and Joanna, the wife of Chuza, Herod's household manager, and Susanna, and many others, who provided for them out of their means.
-Luke 8:1-3
I often wonder how all this came to pass. Jesus had women in his company through his whole ministry. The above is a biblical reference that women funded him and the apostles on their journeys. As I've mentioned before, Mary of Magdala, having a surname, was probably a very wealthy woman who was able to assist with essentials. The women were so important to Jesus that they appear as part of the stations of the cross. Veronica wipes the face of Jesus, Jesus meets his mother along his Journey, and Jesus comforts the weeping women. That's a quarter of the stations!
At what point did the tables turn and suddenly we were not allowed in the boy's club? Turns out the answer is: during the middle ages. During the middle ages, the Church pretty much took over politically as well as socially. They interpreted sex and lust to be the cause of “the Fall” and since Eve ate from the forbidden fruit - it is all women’s fault.* Here we are at least 1000 years later with so many different interpretations of the Great Fall, and women are still subordinate and the patriarchy still rules the roost.
I had a conversation with the director of Vocations for my diocese and he told me that when he took up the office there wasn't a single woman on the board that votes for the ordination of the men in formation. Since Vatican II that board is required to have laity on it - so there were unordained men, but no women. Luckily, he is a fair man and has added two women to the board, but for how long has it been just men?! As he stated, "where was the perspective of a “mother” or ‘caregiver’ in this council?" This of course is a council of 10-12 people and only two are women - but at least we have a seat at the table.
At the beginning of the church, there were female deacons. Their purpose was just to minister to the women followers of the church. Now, because women being alone with ordained men during spiritual direction has been destigmatized, there was no longer a need and the only form of female ordination was taken away. The good news is that Pope Francis has been vocal about discussing the need for female deacons with the hope of returning that practice. (#totallymypope)
The struggle continues. I love my God, I love my church but that opened door is looking more and more closed every day. What do I do? Do I fight the good fight? Is there even a point?
There is always a point right? If no one fought the fights then nothing would ever change.
So where is my place?
I don't have an answer.
Holy Spirit, Give me eyes that I may see the grander plan for women in your Holy Church. Give me the wisdom and knowledge to understand that men do not dictate how I love and worship and serve You. Move the hearts of those who would cast down women that they may find our true value as the Son did.
Amen
* https://pdxscholar.library.pdx.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1057&context=younghistorians
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